this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
