i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
