you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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