At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
