Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
