Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
