I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
