I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
