well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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