I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
