It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
