I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
