i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
