There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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