Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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