Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
