Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
