at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
