I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Randomize
