You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Can i not drive my cunt home
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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