I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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