Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize