You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
