I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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