you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
