Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I supernannyed him into submission
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