my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
