I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
