He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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