I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
