dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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