shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
