why didn't you poke me back
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize