when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
what day is it and did you see me today?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
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I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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