yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
