Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
