There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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