I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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