Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
