so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
