New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
