i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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