I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
