I don't usually arrange sex via text message
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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