Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
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I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
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I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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