my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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