I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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