Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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