So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
