u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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