I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
